LMAO so true

my name is really awkward.

put this into words before i forget how to speak them.

i am so sorry. i don’t know whats wrong with me, i can’t stand myself right now and i know that no one else who knows me can stand me either.

i feel exhausted, guilty, confused and broken. i know you don’t care to know this and i was so angry at myself and i kept telling you i hated you when i hate myself so loudly. 

i’m an idiot and i love you. i want you to be happy and i twisted my ugliness and tried painting it on everyone around me - i didn’t want that ugly color on you but i was cruel to you anyway.

i’m jealous, dramatic i am desperately pathetic and grapple at every which way i can get you to notice that i need something but i don’t know what it is. i distract myself with little superfluous things like you because you make me excited and happy. so i put it on you to figure me out and i push you to answer questions i can’t answer but aren’t your place to know.

so when i say i’m sorry i mean for you to hear it but i can’t stop pulling you in and pushing you away.

i am so sorry i said i hated you when you are so wonderful to me in ways i forget to appreciate, you are wonderfully beautiful and i never wanted to ruin it.

the way i feel about you is so complicated and guilty. 

i was so harsh with you and unrelenting, when you left i thought about you coming back and holding me but i knew you wouldn’t because i didn’t deserve it and you never wanted to hold me in the first place. it’s the reality that hurts me and makes me so angry.

i am sorry, please forgive me.

this is the last second i will waste writing about this

mara, you resent me? maybe i’m interpreting your tumblr wrong but if i’m not this is what i have to say. i don’t know why you don’t like me. i gave you all of me, i would have given you anything, i would have endured to keep us together, i would have dropped everything in an instant for you. you loved me so much in the beginning of our relationship, you made me feel absolutely wonderful. gradually, when i wasn’t infront of you, you treated me like you wished i didn’t exist, like i was a nagging force on the life you wanted to lead. you think i didn’t feel that stabbing pain every second of every day without you needing to tell me it was there? you broke my heart and than played with it. not because you’re malicious, but because you made a decision that shattered my ability to sleep, my ability to trust, everything i knew and all i had invested in you was gone, because you made a decision without knowing what you wanted. that is the difference between you and i. i’m not weak. i may not have known if losing you was what i wanted. but i had the strength to figure out you’re not what i want on my own. i didn’t need to break your heart over and over - let myself be selfishly led by my wants and desires. you think i never wanted to call you after i left your house saying it’s over? you think i was okay? you think i didn’t get lost on the way home because i was too upset to even drive? i wasn’t okay, but i knew i needed to figure it out on my own.

what makes me the most angry is that i know you resent me because of natalie, but you told me you never wanted us to be exclusive because you didn’t want me to get to attached to you. because EVEN YOU KNOW YOU COULDN’T BE WHAT I DESERVE IN A RELATIONSHIP, so even though i didn’t want to, I LEFT MY HEART OPEN. I wanted to be with YOU i wanted to wake up next to YOU and every day that i would it would remind me that it wasn’t real, that everything would change when you left for school, and that i was a temporary tool in your world. despite feeling loved by you this summer, the emotional stress it gave me so slowly tearing me apart. but you never saw that. i hid it because i wanted us to be together freely, but you are the woman i wanted to marry, i wanted to raise colette with, i wanted a family, i didn’t want a bottle of lube, i didn’t want to be temporary, i wanted to be yours again. but YOU couldn’t give me what i deserved and i wanted to give you EVERYTHING despite myself all over again.

so i did leave my heart open. and the second i saw natalie haas my heart pounded in my chest. i didn’t tell you because you said you “didn’t want to hear stuff like that”. so i didn’t tell you this girl made the palpitations of my heart triple speed when she walked by.

when i ended us. i told natalie two days later i wanted to kiss her, we didn’t kiss. two weeks later we kissed in the rain, she got scared and we stopped. 3 days later we kissed again and a week later we were on the very top of the ferris wheel at 9:55pm, the last two people in six flags on a thursday where she kissed me like i’ve never been kissed. two days later i kissed every inch of her body, she makes my body tremble, she gives my tongue blisters, and she has the softest skin i’ve ever felt in my life.

i admire her, she’s so beautiful, she’s incredible, she belongs on the highest pedestal and i just want to sit and look at her smile all day.

i’m exhausted and desperately want to go to sleep but it’ll still be 20 minutes until you get here.

zzzzzzzzzzz.

and you just left,

i’m like a cousin to you aren’t i?

hahahahhahaha, i know you so well already.

how did this happen?

i feel well rested from just listening to you talk - i can’t explain it.

i’m so happy.

it’s crazy.

so two weeks ago i told her the ways in which i adore her and the confident woman turned into a scared little girl. i know she just wants to be friends and that’s fine.

we spend every single night together. it’s wonderful. it scares me too. but when we stay up until four in the morning and see each other at work after waking up next to one another at 9:30am an hour and a half later - you look at me with your INCREDIBLE hair laying impossibly thick, giants jersey, $5 sunglasses, the same blue sweat pants you wore the night before and with that perfect laugh you ask me whether or not i’m too tired to spend the night with you again.

but when i tried to kiss you - you said you couldn’t.

honestly, you are so out of my league and i didn’t recognize that at first because of my own ego. but you blow me away. it’s as if you have everything - the carelessness without the lethargy, the self confidence without the inflated ego, the insane drunken nights at a club without an inch of promiscuity, the intelligence without the snobbery. hundreds of people absolutely adore you just because you are related to them, your family is incredible, you’re lucky. you are always honest, you love yourself, you’re emotionally stable, you’re hilarious, you’re incredibly beautiful and your gpa is 3.9. how you don’t put yourself on a pedestal astounds me.