put this into words before i forget how to speak them.

i am so sorry. i don’t know whats wrong with me, i can’t stand myself right now and i know that no one else who knows me can stand me either.

i feel exhausted, guilty, confused and broken. i know you don’t care to know this and i was so angry at myself and i kept telling you i hated you when i hate myself so loudly. 

i’m an idiot and i love you. i want you to be happy and i twisted my ugliness and tried painting it on everyone around me - i didn’t want that ugly color on you but i was cruel to you anyway.

i’m jealous, dramatic i am desperately pathetic and grapple at every which way i can get you to notice that i need something but i don’t know what it is. i distract myself with little superfluous things like you because you make me excited and happy. so i put it on you to figure me out and i push you to answer questions i can’t answer but aren’t your place to know.

so when i say i’m sorry i mean for you to hear it but i can’t stop pulling you in and pushing you away.

i am so sorry i said i hated you when you are so wonderful to me in ways i forget to appreciate, you are wonderfully beautiful and i never wanted to ruin it.

the way i feel about you is so complicated and guilty. 

i was so harsh with you and unrelenting, when you left i thought about you coming back and holding me but i knew you wouldn’t because i didn’t deserve it and you never wanted to hold me in the first place. it’s the reality that hurts me and makes me so angry.

i am sorry, please forgive me.