since i met you i’ve loved you with my whole heart.

i want to make you smile, laugh, breathe easy and hold you until the sun comes up.

i’ve had all of this even though we haven’t been officially together but i’m walking away because i need to figure out if i’m hindering myself.

i’m a little drunk - i drank with michelle and told her how i felt. she understood as much as she could. i love mara and want her to be happy. i think if we take some time apart and figure out if we truly wanted this to be us then we could be happy at the same time.

but i wanted this summer with her so badly that i hate myself for making this decision and that is where i am selfish. i couldn’t even let myself feel the extent of how much this hurt me when i told her how i felt. i wrote her the letter before she texted me when i was at work. when i got her understanding text about the night before i was overwhelmed with how little i wanted to say what i had to say. but i knew it was right for the present time. it’s been 24 hours and i’m filled with regret because i don’t know what i’m doing.

and i’m so scared that if i find out i made a mistake she won’t give me a chance to spend the last few weeks with her that i have before she leaves and potentially takes off without thinking of me.

but then i think about winter break, how she asked me to spend it with her while she’s recovering from surgery. i can’t help but wonder if i’m just this space filler while she’s home from school or if it’s because she truly loves me. but when i think she truly loves me it only seems to be the case when i’m the one infront of her.

either way i want to be her rock because i want her to feel safe and loved in the way i unconditionally love her.

i think this summer i love her more than i ever have since i’ve met her. because if i loved her this much i would have ended it with her before she ended it with me but i was more in love with my own security, self absorbed bragging of my wonderful relationship and my own life then i was with hers. i am an imperfect person who is one of a kind, beautiful, strong and intelligent. i know she is capable of thinking those things of herself without a doubt in her mind. i hope there is a day where i can hold her hand while she thinks that.